When It Died

It used to be this dominating thing inside of me
Filling my head with thoughts of suicide...death...cutting...violence...
Making me believe that to kill myself was the only way.
I used to spend days screaming inside while quietly hurting.
The quiet girl no one understood.
Then one day, I heard of this man name Jesus who could wipe away everything.
But could He take away this monster, when the monster had become me?
It became a war, Jesus wanting all of me while this monster grew stronger because I failed to feed my spirit.
Finally, I reached my breaking point. I was tired of fighting, of never being this person who was free.
"Why can't I be free?" I screamed out loud only to hear a soft response "The prison doors have always been open, the chains have been removed, you have chosen to stay there when you have been free all along."
Tears stung my eyes...my heart pounded in my ears...determination flowed in my veins as I took my first step.
The monster inside fought back screaming at me that hope was for the weak...I will always be a statistic...people will always have something to say about me...I will never fit in...
But with each step I took, his voice lowered and I could hear Jesus voice getting louder saying "Come to me, I know you are weak, but I will give you rest."
I fell on my knees, aware of a Savior that shouldn't have died for me but He did...He wanted to die for me...and that is what kept me going.
I started to crawl, at first looking at the ground, at the filth that I had become used to... I cried more.
"Look up, look at Me." I hear my Savior softly say.
I looked up...I became determined to leave my situation to just be in His arms, to feel the peace that only He could give.
I felt the monster inside becoming weaker and weaker....and then it died.....
Jesus met me at the door of my prison. He picked me up and touched my heart.
I felt Him move through me, move in me, removing me.
Removing the girl who would cut herself, the girl who thought life wasn't living, the girl who didn't believe.
He gave me strength for today. He gave me  hope for tomorrow and a Comforter to walk with me every step of the way.